HOW TO CURE YOUR CHILDREN
from an
INTERNET ADDICTION
by the respectable
D R. C R A C K W O R T H
Years ago, children would spend their days running outside, playing, and having fun. This led to them growing up to become fair, sociable, moral members of society. However, with recent technological developments, children are spending more time indoors than ever before. It is no secret that the smart phone, among other devices, have completely ruined the lives of countless children by stunting their development both physically and mentally. Thankfully, the humble, reputable, handsome, stunning, charismatic, amazing, awe-inspiring, upstanding, and selfless Dr. Crackworth has the solution to the problem many parents in the 21st century are facing.
Step 1: Take away your children's electronic devices
If we're going to cure a child from an internet addiction, it's important to remove them from the source of it. Take away your children's electronics, forcefully if necessary. If they have a tantrum, we recommend that you immediately record it and allow us to post the video to YouTube for absolute scientific research.
Step 2: Have a talk with your childrenOnce your child stops crying, talk with them about what's going on. Tell them that you are simply looking out for them, and wish the best for them.
Step 3: Buy your child a CRT television
Of course, simply taking away your children's electronics from them won't immediately fix them. It's vital that they can "wind down" so to say. Instead of a large, ugly, "smart" flat screen television, buy your child a small, wholesome CRT television.
Step 4: Replace your child's gaming systems with older systems
It's quite a known fact that older gaming systems were far simpler and had much better video games. After your child grows accustomed to watching wholesome programming on their CRT television, let them indulge themselves a little and buy them a gaming system that was manufactured no later than 2002. Along with that, do not allow your children to play games from past 2003.
Step 5: Allow your children access to VHS tapes
If you've found your child has become more tame, allow them to watch movies on VHS tapes. Do not allow them to watch movies on DVD, since DVDs were created by the devil. It's also important that you cancel all subscription services to any "streaming platforms" immediately. Set a good example for your child.
Step 6: Throw out your smart phone and get a landline
Throw out your smart phone and get a landline instead. Smart phones were created by the demon known as Steve Jobs to get your kids hooked on the internet, so immediately throw out your smart phone to protect yourself and your child.
Step 7: Only listen to music on cassette tapes
Far better than CDs anyway. Make sure to never listen to music or artists from beyond the year 2001.
Step 8: Throw out your modern personal computer
It's important to throw out your modern computer and the replace it with one made from 1995 to 2002. Make sure that your new old computer comes with a big, wholesome CRT monitor. Flat screen monitors were created by the devil.
Step 9: Replace all your calendars with ones manufactured between 1998-2002
A strange step, but it's vital that your child understand that their life has irreversibly changed, and that they are now living in the past.
Step 10: Burn any and all modern electronics, along with any sign that you live in any year past 2005
If you happen to have kept some modern electronics stashed away, or if there were any that weren't covered in this article, burn them in your backyard immediately, along with any sign that you lived in any year past 2005. Make sure your child is in on the burning to, as it is a symbolic way for them to let go of their internet addiction.
Last Updated: July 17, 2024
Page Created: July 17, 2024