Once a leader in online communications, nowadays even Millennials don't remember why they used MySpace.

SILICON VALLEY-In a move that everyone saw coming since 2019, Viant Technology, owners of MySpace, are offering ownership of MySpace to the first person who shows up at their offices. "It's become too much of a liability," said Viant's CEO, "We can't make a single buck off of this. Like, how is it that our random clone competitor SpaceHey is pulling in better numbers than us? When your clone is doing better than you, you know it's time to change. We feel like Hydrox here."

Viant Technology noted that absolutely no activity has occurred on MySpace ever since 2013, when the last scene kid in the world died of embarrassment. Since the extinction of scene kids, MySpace has become completely devoid of users. Even bots won't open accounts on MySpace, unusual in an era where big tech struggles to combat bot accounts.

Industry analysts have brought up the recent revival of the scene subculture, which has been coined "The Rawring 20s." Analysts believe that this revival of the subculture can bring new users into MySpace. Viant's CEO, however, disagrees, saying "These new scene kids, they're nothing like the old ones. The subculture went extinct in 2013. This new one we see, it's more like convergent evolution. You know how the ichthyosaurs and dolphins are two separate species, but evolved to look and act extremely similar? It's the same situation with 2000's scene and 2020's scene. They look the same on the outside, but they're actually completely different. They're different but convergently evolved the same traits."

The offer is still up for any up-and-coming entrepreneur looking to destroy their financial stability. Viant has also stated that if two or more people come by their offices at the same time, they will be quickly escorted to Viant's basement fighting cage. From there, the prospective buyers can fight each other until a winner is decided. Snacks and drinks will be provided.

Publisher's Note: We already sent someone to Viant's offices. MySpace is ours, don't try to take it from us.